I have decided to start this blog as a way voice my frustrations.
One of my main frustrations is how I always feel judged by my husband's family. Granted this judgement is partially due to myself and my actions but I still hate it. I used to attend church regularly. If the doors were open, I was there. Some things happpened in the church we were attending and my husband and I left and started going to another judge. This is when the judging first started and were only engaged at this time. Anyways, let's fast forward a year. At the new church, some other things happened thus causing us to leave that church. We were now without a church home. We tried some churches but none of them seemed to fit. We have been without a church for about 3 years now and it is so depressing. Everyone says that we walked away from God but I walked away from man. It was the people in those churches causing my heart to hurt not God. We have since started attending the first church we were in but we have stopped going again due to who knows what. Mostly laziness, I guess. The point of the matter is that everyone is so quick to judge me but they don't know what's brewing under the surface. My husband remains faithful to God. He prays and reads the Bible thus maintaining a relationship. I, on the other hand, have not. My heart has grown cold and hard. All I see and hear are people judging me but no one wants to help me. I am so lost and I don't know if I will ever see the light on the end of this very dark tunnel. I know that I am on a quick journey to Hell but what am I going to do? I know who the Savior is and I know what I need to do to get there but I don't know how to start. I hurt inside and I long to have a relationship with my Lord. Even when I'm in church, I'm just not feeling it. I can't explain what is going on inside of me. I feel like I have hardened my heart to God because I'm afraid if I open it up, I'll be hurt. I know that the Lord would never intentionally cause me pain but man would. Everytime someone says that I walked away, it hurts. They only want to talk about me but no one has offered to help me get back. My own husband doesn't know the struggles that I go throught because I am to ashamed for him to know. How do I tear down the stone that has built up around my heart? Where do I need to take the first step? It was easy when I first got saved but I have no clue where to go from here. I feel like I've lost friendships over this, I've lost respect from loved ones. All I see is their downcast eyes. Will they ever see the real me? Will they ever look behind this carefully poised mask and see the pain and confusion? The hurt? I am so lost and I don't know if I can ever be found. Will God give up on me? Will I die before I make it back to Him? Will someone finally see what I'm too afraid to show people? I need someone but I feel like I have no one. I need the One. He is the only one that can ease my pain and make me whole again. I am only half a person without the Lord! I need to find my way back but how?
